Marriage On the Verge of Collapse: Codependency and Chronic Bitterness
I was mad at my husband all the time. I knew he was a kind person, and he meant well, but it felt like he was, at best, my bumbling assistant, freeloading off my hard work. I felt like I was parenting my partner and he was incapable or uninterested in changing. I was sick of being miserable and never getting what I wanted. I felt like I carried the world alone. I gave and gave, yet it was never appreciated and never enough. By forty I was tired; I wanted peace, fun, and freedom, and couldn’t seem to get any of that with my husband weighing me down. After almost twenty years and two kids, a business, a few cross-country moves, and a pandemic, I was ready to find a way out. In my mind, the only way I had a chance of happiness is if he changed or I left.
One day in therapy, my counselor mentioned that she thought I might have some codependent qualities. I didn’t think much of it, but later, scrolling through Instagram, where we know the real psychological breakthroughs occur, I started investigating the concept of codependency.
The first thing I found was from Melody Beattie, author of the codependency bible, “Codependent No More.” She wrote, “What’s a codependent? The answer’s easy. They’re some of the most loving, caring people I know.”
Oh, great! That’s totally me! I knew this was all my husband’s fault.
Then I dug a little further and found that codependents also often display chronic anger, lying/dishonesty, poor communication skills, and have difficulty making decisions.
Ohhhh, dear. That’s totally me, too.
The more I read, the more I realized that what we had was a two-sided unhealthy codependency going on, and it was going to take a lot of work to get out of it.
“Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker,” reports Psychology Today. “The bond in question doesn’t have to be romantic; it can occur just as easily between parent and child, friends, and family members.” As defined by the Holistic Psychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera is, “Codependency is a learned pattern of chronic neglect of self in order to gain love, approval, or validation.
Heather Hiller, LPC, family therapist at Harmony Bay Wellness says that codependency stems from childhood. “Codependency is a behavioral reaction that often develops in people who grow up in dysfunctional family systems. As children, we do not realize that the relationships we observe may not be “normal”. As a result, we learn to cope with the environment around us, often in ways that are ultimately unhealthy and follow us from childhood into adulthood. That does not mean this dynamic is fulfilling. Codependent people often report being resentful of the imbalance in the relationship. They want to love and be loved.
“Codependent behaviors are often not exclusive to just one relationship in adulthood either,” Heather adds. “A codependent person might juggle maladaptive relationships with parents, romantic partners, and their boss at work simultaneously. It is exhausting and demoralizing.” She says that, “In my time as a therapist, I have never met someone with codependent traits who was happy or at peace more often than they experienced depression or anxiety. The lack of boundaries has a negative impact on a codependent’s self-worth (“Maybe I deserve this?”). It has an impact on mental health, relational health, and ultimately physical health as the stress of these relationships causes physical health issues as well.”
Who has the tendency to become codependent?
Codependency was first described for those with loved ones who had addictions. Often, they would end up enabling or working to mitigate the negative consequences of the addiction, to the detriment of themselves and their loved ones. Heather says now we know there are many unhealthy environments that can breed codependency. “Codependency develops when a child takes on the role of a caretaker. It is learned as a response to poor boundaries, manipulation, guilt, fear, an inability to trust others, and becoming overly responsible. Any family environment that is chaotic or unpredictable, feels scary or unsafe, or involves emotional or physical neglect, or if the adults are manipulative, harsh, secretive, or judgmental, they may result in children developing codependent behaviors.”
Children who are coping with chaotic, unhealthy home environments and are learning to care for others at the expense of themselves, often learn to appear especially content and well-behaved. “Recent research on the fight or flight response has identified that there are two more responses to situations which are potentially dangerous- freeze and fawn,” Heather shares. “Freeze looks like an opossum playing dead, while codependency falls neatly into the fawn response. If I just do enough…am good enough, sweet enough, quiet enough, helpful enough…I can keep everyone happy, and stay safe. “This tendency to people-please and be hyper-aware of others’ moods and needs is rewarded, so we tend to carry it forward into our adult relationships until we learn to do differently.
“Codependents are attracted to people who need them. Initially, these relationships can be amazing. I am needed, I feel loved, they want me! And it feels familiar.” Over time, though, this dynamic breed resentment because they never feel like they can ask for, and never receive, the things they want and need. “People in codependent relationships often stay because the thought of being alone is terrifying. They find meaning in their relationship to others, that is how they draw their worth, but these relationships leave them feeling empty, used, and unappreciated.”
Unfortunately, this also makes codependents especially susceptible to falling into relationships that are familiar to the ones they experienced growing up, choosing addicts or partners who are abusive or narcissistic. Of course, abuse and mistreatment are never the fault of the one being harmed; the abuse is squarely on the abuser, but as a recovering codependent, knowing this pattern makes me more cautious when starting new relationships. Certain signs that would have previously felt like invitations now look like red flags.
What does narcissism look like and why does it go hand-in-hand with codependency?
A few of the Mayo Clinic’s signs of Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) include feelings of deserving privileges and special treatment, taking advantage of others to get what they want, and having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others. Heather says that narcissists and codependent people tend to gravitate toward each other, because their approaches to relationships are complementary. “The narcissist is self-centered and eager to have their needs met, while the codependent partner is self-sacrificial and passive and eager to meet others’ needs.” This toxic relationship has been referred to as “a dance," and is something that each partner has been practicing for their entire lives. The narcissist is domineering and takes center stage, while the codependent partner takes the supporting role. The relationship is a one-way street.
What does a healthy relationship look like, then?
In our case, we were both willing and able to do what it took to get healthy. Once my husband and I fully understood how codependency had impacted our internal lives and our relationship, we started doing the work. Fortunately, we had the resources for mental health care, and we are not struggling with addiction, abuse, or NPD. After a lot of individual counseling, couple’s counseling, and a million conversations on boundaries, love and trust, and our feelings and perceptions, we are different people with a different marriage. It’s thrilling how we’re showing up for ourselves and each other in new and intentional ways.
To be totally honest, there are times when I miss that feeling of self-righteous anger. It was nice to have someone to blame on my unhappiness…but this is clearly better. This journey has profoundly changed the way I take up space in the world and how I feel about myself. I’m no longer mad all the time. Also, I’m constantly amazed at how willing and capable my husband is to meet me halfway, when I share my needs out loud. Who knew!? ;)
Heather says, “Codependency is taking responsibility FOR the other person, stunting their ability to take responsibility for themselves or live within healthy boundaries.” I’ve learned that fretting over and trying to control my husband is not actually loving him in a way that’s good for him or sustainable for me, and that withholding my wants and needs doesn’t actually win me the Sacrifice Olympics, and it isn’t honest, fair, or healthy, either. Now that I’m just taking responsibility for myself, clearly stating my needs and wants, and trusting that he’s doing the same for him, I feel lighter, freer, and more confident in our relationship. It turns out, we both needed to change, but in the end, I’m the one in charge of my happiness.
What are these boundaries that we hear so much about?
They say, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” but some of us never knew we were allowed to speak up when we needed a refill or decline the request when someone asked more of us than we could give.
“Boundaries are an invisible line that defines what behaviors are acceptable for an individual,” according to the University of Illinois Chicago’s Wellness Center. “Boundaries can be physical (e.g., do not touch me) or emotional (do not lie to me). Setting boundaries is a form of self-care. It helps to create a clear guideline/rule/limits of how you would like to be treated. They let others know what is and what is not okay/acceptable. It honors our needs and wants so that we feel respected and safe.” The real results of having clear boundaries, is it can help avoid burnout, stress, and anxiety, financial and emotional burdens, and unhealthy relationships.
“In relationships that are healthy,” Heather says. “There are clear boundaries that help these relationships to work well. We see partners who are thoughtful, reciprocal, and connected. We can talk through issues, and it is not a threat to the relationship.” For all of us on this journey, Heather recommends reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, Boundaries, by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Set Boundaries, Find peace, by Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab, Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown, and following The Holistic Psychologist, and consider joining Codependents Anonymous.
Sarah Zimmerman is a freelance writer in Northern California and is working on her first novel. In past lives,, she has been a Physician Assistant in Women's Health and the owner of a vegan ice cream business. Sarah writes about marriage, sex, parenting, infertility, pregnancy loss, social justice, and women's mental and physical health, always with honesty and humor. She has written for Ravishly, Cafe Mom, Pregnant Chicken, and more and can be found at sarahzwriter.com and on Medium, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and TikTok at @sarahzwriter.