Our Kids Deserve Better Sex Education Than We Got
Most of us who hit puberty in America in the 1990s and early 2000s never got a real sex talk. If we did, it was threatening and scary, focusing on purity and infections. We were told not to have sex because it could result in pregnancy. We were not taught about sexuality as a crucial part of being human or about how to navigate sexual relationships, including consent and how to control if/when we got pregnant. In 1995, my public high school taught sex-ed, but when a student asked about the proper use of condoms on the anonymous slips of paper we had all passed, red-faced, to the front of the classroom, the teacher shook her head. They were only allowed to teach us abstinence. It’s possible that having access to information from a trusted adult could have saved us from all kinds of dangerous and unfortunate situations. In fact, we see clearly that in those areas of the world that promote sex positivity and comprehensive education at an early age, people fair better. Obviously, it’s not just the schools who failed us. I know someone whose parent found her masturbating as a young child, and responded, “Stop that, you’re hurting your body!” We need to do better by our kids. We must not raise another generation of people whose natural curiosity about sex is met with silence and shame.
Heather Hiller, LPC, has been working in family therapy since 2014 in schools, community mental health, hospitals, and currently in private practice in NE Pennsylvania and remotely via BetterHelp. Heather says, “When I think about sexual education, it is apparent that our current system is failing to prepare these children to know their own bodies.” She gives an example of a high-functioning cognitively impaired adolescent who was withheld instruction on how to care for her developing body. “They came into session one week and confessed they had had their first period. It became apparent that their guardian had not been equipped to explain the changes that come with puberty, and instead of seeking resources to navigate this discussion, they simply told the child, “That’s not something we talk about.” The child entered my office with a lot of questions and fear and when I offered to hold a family session to discuss the topic, I was turned down; I believe the guardian was embarrassed to have that discussion. Refusing to have this conversation did not stop the progression of puberty, it simply created an environment of fear and shame for my client.”
That’s not something we talk about is a common reaction from educators and parents. Abstinence-only versus comprehensive sexual education is a hotly debated topic in school systems, even though we’ve long had ample data that shows that “increasing emphasis on abstinence education is positively correlated with teenage pregnancy and birth rates.” To create the cultural shift our young people need, we parents need to get comfortable talking the talk.
Heather says, “Parents are afraid to share information believing too much information will lead their child to exploring sexual activity,” which simply is not true. “Schools are ill-equipped to effectively broach the subject and the internet (our children’s most accessible source of information) is flawed as well. When you combine that with purity culture in our religious institutions, sex becomes something that is embarrassing or shameful to talk about.” She says that the damaging effects of kids not being taught healthy sexual practices or being able to work out their sexual identity in a safe way, has devastating consequences on them as adults. “The most common wound I see is women who do not know how to connect with their own body in this arena. Many women do not know what they like, and men do not know how to pleasure women.”
When asked where to start in giving our kids a proper education on sex, Heather does not mince words. “If I could have children learn one thing, it would be complete female reproductive anatomy. In cases of sexual abuse, a child knowing the technical terms for their genitals may mean the difference between abuse being discovered or continuing unchecked. A female child knowing the terms “vulva” or “vagina” may be the deciding factor in charges being filed against their abuser.” In addition, “A discussion of female anatomy for both sexes would result in knowledge about how women’s bodies respond to stimulation and the differences in response to penetrative sex for men and women. Ideally this could make sexual contact more pleasurable for all participants.”
Purity culture is the religious-based emphasis on maintaining virginity and dressing and behaving in a way that is not perceived as too sexual. Heather says, “Women are the gatekeepers. We are taught to monitor and manipulate our behavior to prevent men from being tempted. We are told to shut down sexual curiosity or behavior until marriage, at which point we are supposed to know how to please our husbands and make sure their needs are satisfied. At no point are we encouraged to fulfill our own needs or seek a partner who can do so.” This leaves adults with “no idea what a healthy sexual relationship looks like, or how to communicate our wishes or needs. It’s little wonder that the women I have met coming out of these religious communities tell me they do not enjoy sex or willingly engage in it. Why should they? It’s not ever focused on them or their pleasure.”
Heather says that “the church and the porn industry” are the two societal forces that most shape our children’s understanding of sex and sexual identities whether we know it or not. “When you have the church saying no sex or talk of sex, or exploration of sex until after marriage and the porn industry saying ‘bigger, better, faster, more people’ and faking orgasms for entertainment, it creates a very skewed perception of what sexual health looks like. It’s a perfect storm for disappointing sexual interactions and abuse.”
As far as parenting our kids through sexual education, Heather says we parents need to be brave and clear. She recommends using the policy she uses with her clients. “The phrase I use most often is “we talk about it.” We have those tough conversations with our children. The conversations that are uncomfortable, or embarrassing to us, as well as the conversations in which we have to say, “I do not know, but how about I read up on that and get back to you?” For example, you do not have to know how sex works for a lesbian couple, if you are not lesbian, but being willing to learn and share that information, without shame, for a child who is questioning their sexuality may be life changing. You do not have to know all the ins and outs of buying menstrual supplies- but being able to do so for your child without embarrassment is necessary. Decreasing shame around our bodies, sex, and relationships all happens by talking.”
Resources Heather recommends parents use for these important discussions include the book for young children, Nonnie Talks About Sex…& More by sex educator, Dr. MaryJo Podgurski and the American Girl books, The Care and Keeping of You, which break down the mystery of puberty and bodies in age-appropriate ways. There are also fantastic online resources like this guide to normal sexual development.
Kids are questioning and exploring their sexual selves before we even realize it and might drop awkward questions (always over dinner, typically with grandparents present) at any moment. It’s OK if we need to practice in the mirror before we’re ready to have these talks (plural) with our kids, but it’s critical that we find the courage to do it. Also, creating a judgement-free, sex-positive environment can have huge impact on kids’ self-esteem and may even be lifesaving as kids discover their gender identities and sexuality. After all, we all want our kids to thrive and be self-ware, safe, and fulfilled individuals.
Sarah Zimmerman is a freelance writer in Northern California and is working on her first novel. In past lives,, she has been a Physician Assistant in Women's Health and the owner of a vegan ice cream business. Sarah writes about marriage, sex, parenting, infertility, pregnancy loss, social justice, and women's mental and physical health, always with honesty and humor. She has written for Ravishly, Cafe Mom, Pregnant Chicken, and more and can be found at sarahzwriter.com and on Medium, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and TikTok at @sarahzwriter.