A Trauma Therapist’s Guide to Staying Sane During the Holidays
The holidays add a lot of stress to our already overloaded lives. Juggling parties and family gatherings, baking, and magic-making for our kids, trying to get holiday cards out on time, finding the right gift for everyone from dad-who-has-it-all to the mail carrier, while not going totally broke.... It’s a lot, and the numbers back that up. Substance use and depression increase. Financial struggles are exacerbated. During COVID, the holidays also mean making tough decisions about safety while trying to preserve family harmony and a modicum of sanity. This is a time of year when we tend to feel loss most acutely. Whether through estrangement or death, those who are missing from our lives loom large on these quiet, dark, winter days. The tastes, sounds, and smells, the ritual of the holidays are sure to bring back memories of past holiday seasons good and bad.
According to trauma-focused clinical therapist, Laura Azoni, LMSW, family holiday gatherings are full of grief triggers. She says these are “often exacerbated by our senses. Visiting certain places, lights and decorations, hearing voices of people who aren't typically around, seasonal music, smelling and tasting nostalgic family recipes, all work together to impact our experience. The holidays tend to put a spotlight on what might be vacant or lost. Plus, there’s pressure to make the season look a certain way, and expectations that we should feel a certain way about it. That adds to the sense of feeling trapped or lonely.”
Azoni, who also owns Sanctuary Services, which provides trauma-informed therapy to kids in crisis, says that if we are missing a loved one during the holidays we should “find someone who is nearby and safe (family member, friend, therapist), who can hear about the loss at whatever pace you need. Whether divorce or death, a loss is a loss and grief is grief. This person could also be utilized in helping you weed out what you would like to do (and what you would not like to do) in memory of someone you are missing. For instance, maybe you just can't bring yourself to make Nana's famous corn bread this year, but you WOULD like to have a candle lit on Christmas eve in her honor. BOTH are very loving traditions and gestures. What's important is that a desire to acknowledge a loss isn't leading to further overwhelm, and that it guides you toward peace. Make a small and tangible plan and seek support in doing so.”
For those family members we will be seeing over the holidays who most threaten our peace, Azoni recommends “keeping a phrase in your pocket. This is a short verbal response that will serve as your go-to whenever you are feeling pressured to respond to something you're dreading. Be prepared for when you witness anything that makes you uncomfortable, with a script and a plan. It can be as simple as saying, “I need a quick bathroom break.” Or, if you are bracing yourself for when your Auntie asks you what pant size you’re wearing these days, your phrase in your pocket could be something like, "Whatever feels the best for me that day." If some of the stress about gathering is political and social differences between family members, her advice is to “Remember that, at our core, everyone is operating from either fear or love. Strive to understand that what appears to be ignorance or anger may actually be shame, fear, or hurt.”
Another thing that compromises our mental health during the holidays is the pressure to feel and exude joy and to make the time sparkly and magical for our kids. Azoni lets us off the hook, saying, “Children can sense authenticity. The magic of the season may look like toys and chocolate fondue, but I promise you, the magic for kids truly comes from being authentically loved and known by you, their caregiver. Now, we all know some expectant and ungrateful children; however, from sitting with kids day in and day out in my office, I will tell you that they do not get enough credit. If you bring your feelings, circumstances, and challenges to your children for understanding, they will meet you half-way on making the magic happen. Together, try to identify what is a non-negotiable for your family fun and what can be skipped. Your children might surprise you! Also, non-gifting rituals that are constant across the years can be comforting. These are the types of rhythms that seem to have lasting effects.”
Azoni emphasizes that communication is key and, contrary to the notion that we might spoil the magic, clearly discussing expectations and plans may prevent let-downs. It’s also a good idea to identify a "just in case" back-up plan and to aim to keep everyone in a flexible state of mind. Sometimes cars die, gifts don’t arrive on time, the pie burns, etc. Things happen.
Another reason to maintain our peace during the holidays is that it can also help us sidestep the January slump or “New Year New Me!” expectation. She says, “January can often feel like you're climbing over one hump just to begin another. As soon as you say hurrah and adios to the largest holidays on 12/31, you're met with the pressure of goals and marking your accomplishments (or failures) on 1/1. This is not the time to get crazy. Not a newsflash: you can set goals and experience growth and health at any given time. Again, choose what is MANAGEABLE. What are your top three non-negotiables for health and wellness in general? Start there, with the goal of progress over perfection! You will heal from the hump or slump and grow in a sustainable way with a more marathon (versus sprint) mentality.”
When asked the best way to promote our mental health over the next few months, Azoni said to be gentle with ourselves and not to be too rigid or carry anything to excess- including exercising and dieting. Balance is key. She said we also should build rest into our rituals. “Honoring rest as a part of the celebration, as some cultures do, is amazing. Rest can be something to be valued versus a punishment or a response to running too hard and crashing.” In fact, if Azoni could give us a mantra to carry through the holidays, it would be, “(Breath in) it's okay (breathe out) to rest and try again.”
Sarah Zimmerman is a freelance writer in Northern California and is working on her first novel. In past lives,, she has been a Physician Assistant in Women's Health and the owner of a vegan ice cream business. Sarah writes about marriage, sex, parenting, infertility, pregnancy loss, social justice, and women's mental and physical health, always with honesty and humor. She has written for Ravishly, Cafe Mom, Pregnant Chicken, and more and can be found at sarahzwriter.com and on Medium, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and TikTok at @sarahzwriter.